On Death

It could be the grandmother of 4 driving to the grocery store for a jug of milk, who gets hit by a careless driver. It could be the young father in his 40's on his death bed, ravaged by pancreatic cancer that had revealed itself just 2 weeks earlier. It could be the mother holding her teenager as she watches her child pass away from a drug overdose. It could be the healthy 50 year old man who clutches his chest while he experiences the massive heart attack that will take his life that very moment.

 

Death. It is all around me in the critical care settings of the hospital and I find myself face to face with it on a daily basis. Death. It's a difficult subject that makes people squirm with discomfort. But the irony of that is that every single one of us will die. Every one.

Over the years of constant exposure to death, I find that it has lost it's ability to intimidate me. The sting of fear that hovers over death doesn't seem to have the same grasp on me anymore. In fact, I find that death can actually be very spiritual and very peaceful. Yes, it can be very tragic and earth shattering.....but I suppose that all depends on the circumstances surrounding the event. Even still, as a medical professional who is with you and your family during times of death, I make a sole purpose of making the experience of death as peaceful and calming as possible. Sometimes in very tragic situations that is very difficult but if you are willing I will hold your hand and I will cry with you. I will hug you and assure you with confidence that you did everything right. I will do whatever I can to bring you peace and closure as you step through the experience of entering the afterlife or watching your loved one pass away. And you won't know it, but I will silently pray. Constantly. And believe it or not I see in a very tangible way how your demeanor changes and how your breathing slows as peace envelopes you. I will stroke your forehead and whisper encouraging words to you. I will ensure you are clean, warm and comfortable. I will do this for you if you are in my trauma bay in the emergency department or if I am your nurse in the ICU and family members just made the incredibly difficult decision to end life support measures. I will be there for you.

To tell you the truth, I think about death often. There are times I think about what I'd do differently if I were to die today.....or what I'd do or say if today someone I loved passed away. But the thing is, we don't know when we are going to die. We can't control that. And that leaves me to do one thing and one thing alone: surrender. I find it relatively easy to surrender my own life and say to God I'm at peace and I'm ok to go whenever He sees fit. However, it is insanely difficult for me to surrender my children. I want them here with me forever and ever. But again, I cannot control their fate. So I choose to say, "God, you know I don't want them to die. I know I could not bear it...but they are yours. You only entrusted them to me for this lifetime, I do not own them." I know without a doubt that if something ever happened to my children God would have to lift me and carry me because I would not be able to do it on my own. And I trust wholeheartedly that He would. So today I'm choosing to surrender, yet again.

Death changes people. It changes families and friendships. Death even changes the nurses who care for you. It changes your outlook on life and helps you to reevaluate your future. Although death makes most people uncomfortable to think or talk about, sometimes we need to in order to get a clearer vision. And I don't think there is anything bad about that at all.