To Cry or Not To Cry

I distinctly recall a conversation with my instructor during my pediatric rotation in second year of nursing school. "How can you deal with all these sick kids, while some of them even die..... and not cry with the family?" I asked. My instructor looked at me and replied softly with something I'll never forget, "How could I not cry with them?" For some reason that blew my mind because I had an image in my head that nurses were 'Professional' and 'Stoic' and therefore they should not show emotion for fear of breaking that professional boundary. So when my instructor realized my emotional struggle with the pediatric patients I cared for, I was somehow released....given permission if you will, to show my emotional sense of empathy.

I've written before about pediatric patients being my kryptonite, bringing out my most potent empathy because, put simply, they break my heart. But that doesn't mean as a nurse you can be a blubbering idiot when caring for patients because then you are not productive nor helpful to them. I have cried with patients and their families before, allowing them to see tears slip down my face simply because I empathized with their emotional struggle and felt their pain. But it wasn't until we euthanized our cat two days ago, that I *really* got it. I was on the receiving end of that empathetic response and it made me realize the power of being real and 'in the moment' with patients.

I had said my good-byes to Kitty while petting her and bawling my face off. Then came the waiting.....which seemed like an eternity.....when in all reality it was just a few minutes. I was sitting on a brown brown leather couch in the waiting room with my two kids running around touching all sorts of things they weren't supposed to. But I felt numb. Sitting there just waiting for my husband and the vet to leave the room where they had spent the last short while ushering Kitty out of this world into the afterlife, only to come and inform me that it was done. So when they came to the waiting room and my husband's eyes were red & swollen with tears I knew. The tall, beautiful gray-haired vet approached me gingerly and said so softly as she looked me in the eyes, "It went well and very peacefully." With those words I covered my face and sobbed. I sobbed and sobbed. After I composed myself, I looked up at the kind veterinarian and saw she had tears welled up in her eyes, sliding down her own cheeks. In that moment I knew she *got* it. Her tears showed me that she understood Kitty was the first pet I had ever owned and put down. Her tears made it apparent that she recognized Kitty was my baby before I ever had my own two human babies...she was there first, she paved the way. Her tears reflected an understanding that even in death my cat deserved dignity & respect. Her tears made me feel as though she empathized with the heartache I felt. And that made me feel validated. Maybe that's the main piece right there: validation. Her tears gave me permission to grieve. I honestly will never forget that the 'professional' doctor of veterinary medicine cried after she euthanized my cat. It was such a wonderful, heartfelt gesture I will forever cherish.

It might seem strange that it took my cat of 13 years to die in order for me to acutely understand this whole empathy phenomena but I'm walking away from that experience with a whole new outlook on my own nursing practice. Empathize. Care. Cry if you must. But most importantly, I wish to show my patients that I *get* it. I want them to know that I appreciate the situation they are going through because they too, deserve to feel validated. It helps facilitate healthy grieving.

So this leaves me wondering something. To all of you out there, my readers, my friends. Have you ever experienced a medical professional empathize by crying with you or your family? What did that do for you along your journey of grief? And to you nurses out there...what are your beliefs about crying with patients? What do you do in your own current practice?