Recovery

In the OR prep room, my nurse gave me the royal treatment. I'd like to say it was because she knew I was an RN and I was receiving the perks of our commonality....but really, she was just kind to me. Extra pillows, warm blankets without asking, intel on what was happening with the OR schedule. I was well informed going into my surgery. I giggled with a friend via text and updated facebook right up until I walked into the OR with my long green socks on that looked like elf shoes and a gown that was about 1000 sizes too large for me. I pushed my IV pole into the cold operating room and was met by my surgeon. He smiled and then my anesthetist guided me to the table....the table I would be operated on. My nurse helped me on the table and I was coached through what was going to happen, what drugs they would use to induce me and what to expect. Behind a scrub cap, glasses and a blue surgical mask, the anesthetist said as he began syringing medication into my vein, "Think of a lovely warm beach..." My pulse slowed down and I breathed deeply. I was ready for this. So incredibly ready. And instead of thinking of a beach, I began to pray and thank God. I peacefully prayed myself into unconsciousness. I may even have had a smile on my face.

I woke up in the recovery room and the first feeling that washed over me was RELIEF. Peaceful relief. My nurse told me she was "a little bit jealous" of me. Yes, I realize having a hysterectomy at 31 after deciding to have no more children is a pretty great option since I never have to worry about birth control or menstruation for the rest of my life. Trust me. I am pumped about that. And as a means to celebrate, I will donate all my tampons and pads to whichever friends desire them. I'll even personally deliver them. ;)

So I am alive and well. I was discharged home the day after my surgery and was surprised how this laparoscopic hysterectomy is substantially more painful & discomforting than recovering from a vaginal birth with 3rd degree tears. And the bruising on my stomach is quite the site to beheld. I'm mobilizing ok with minimal pain but the slightest of activities knocks the wind out of me. My first day at home yesterday I spent the *entire* day in bed. I have never done that even once in my life.....and it was wonderful. Today I actually got dressed and had a shower. Tomorrow I'll attempt to eat something more than a bowl of soup and perhaps take a venture down the stairs. Baby steps, right? Baby steps.


My uterus-less body with the two babies it housed. It all comes full circle....and I am resting peacefully in this moment, thankful for these two little blessings in my life.

A Farewell

I stand in front of the mirror and lift up a small portion of my shirt exposing my abdomen directly in front of me. The room is dim, I am alone with myself, my body, my own skin. I feel God in this moment, moving around me....swerving & swirling around, innervating my soul. He is providing me with peace and in the stillness of the seconds ticking by, I sense his hands fashioning the future with his perfected hands.

I say the words aloud, "Tomorrow at this time I will have no uterus." And although the statement doesn't catch me by surprise, the reality of the situation penetrates deeply. The gravity of allowing a surgeon to remove my reproductive organs rest upon me.....and yet I still feel peace.

I laugh as I think of the instructions to remove all jewelry prior to surgery and I look down at my belly. The same belly that transformed microscopic cells into full-fledged, breathing humans stares back at me with a navel piercing. A piercing I chose to get when I was but 16 years old. It was a highlight and something that still makes me smile today. What a contrast this stomach is now to that of me 15 years ago! My skin has been stretched, seen lots of sun and lots of rain, it has been an object of pride and an object of frustration, it has ebbed and flowed in perfect accord with weight fluctuations. My stomach, my female organs have been with me all along and just as I am now removing my silver belly button ring from my navel, in less than 24 hours my uterus and fallopian tubes will be removed from me. Just like that.

I am relieved with the peace I sense in this moment. I rub my stomach gently and thank what's beneath it for doing such a wonderful service to me in this lifetime: two children. I couldn't ask for more. I am blessed in this moment. Blessed to have contentment with the children I have, blessed to have an opportunity to be given a better quality of life, blessed to have friends and family who care for me in spite of my humanness....blessed to trust in a God who is greater than I.

It is time. It is time to say farewell.

I am bare and I stand with my arms outstretched to the Heavens in surrender. Everything about me, everything in this moment I give to Him.

What Was Clear

It was planned about a year ago.....another trip of a lifetime. My little family & I have just returned from a 3 week back-to-back cruise vacation along the Eastern and Southern Caribbean aboard the Carnival Miracle.


What was clear:

• It was clear that my children inspire me. They lift up my soul and bring joy to my life like nothing else on this earthly planet.

• It was clear that I really am 17% funnier with a drink in my hand. True story. 

•  It was clear that Maho Beach in St. Maarten is insane. This is what we experienced and I'm ok if I never experience that again. Click on this link.

• It was clear that one should really preemptively anticipate the power of ocean waves and grab the baby before she gets knocked over by a wave, sobbing as her sand toys get washed out to sea......at the first port. This was the before shot. And it took her 4 days to gain the courage to reenter the water.

• It was clear that God's creation and creativity is mind blowing. The splendor, the colors, the richness of Him touching every inch of this earth must be captured in photographs. It felt a travesty to my soul not to and so I acted.

• It was clear that the outlet of photography is essential to my existence. 

• It was clear how incredibly difficult it is to get family photos on vacations when people are intimidated by your large SLR camera. But we got one. So, yay me!

• Flat Stanley came along on the trip. He was very demanding.

• It was clear that even in our humanness and what we create, there is intrinsic beauty.

• Reading is essential to personal growth and development. You may as well be illiterate if you choose not to read. This is what most of my days looked like. I read 3 books and it did my soul well.

• It was clear that even when the weather turns and it rains or when prickly urchins are ready to assault your feet, there is beauty in the process when you can look at it from a bigger perspective.

• It was clear that in order to be all that God has created you to be, if it is within your means, you must give to those in need. The blessings have a ripple effect you will never be fully aware of.

• I have determined that my Heaven involves an ocean beach. I feel whole being near the water. Really, I think we all did. 

• Now I know that if I require hospitalization on a cruise, I'll be taking a little bit of a helicopter ride to get the necessary medical care. I sure hope that lady turned out alright.

• It was clear that more than anything in this world, we love and cherish our children. 

• These little people's personalities flourished on the trip. They loved each other, played together, and had some wonderful bonding moments. She kept introducing him to people saying, "This is my friend." The blessing of siblings is such an incredible gift. I hope they continue to foster their internal bond.

• It was clear that God's faithfulness and mercies are new every morning. He never leaves no matter where you are in the world.

Thank you for taking this journey with me,